This entry started over a year ago as an endearing piece about my Uncle where I would attempt to paint him in a pleasant light. Quite honestly, I found it difficult to write when I was trying to write him as he would want to be seen, so I have decided to tell the whole truth instead of giving you the bits left when all the bad is gone. What I will not continue to do is pass on the skeleton of truth as it was done to me. Forcing me to figure out everyone on my own and then ostracizing me for telling the truth and forming my own opinions.
Let's begin by allowing you to read what I had originally began to write:
"My Uncle. How do I describe him? Picture a mix of Tim Curry and Chong. He was born in England and raised on the South Side of Chicago. Now, that might confuse some in the room because he graduated high school from Spring High South. Yes, he is that old. Most of you may know it now as Westfield High School, but back then it was Spring High South.
According to himself, he was already mentally grown by the time he got to Houston, Texas. He started hustling money at the age of 12 using his bike to ride around Ponderosa Forrest. He continued doing odd jobs around the neighborhood to make money to help his mother out while she was finding herself divorced and building a new career. He was never without a job, and was always plotting.
The way he put it, he was a quiet young man with a knack for being invisible, a mature understanding of the world, and a sense of humor. One of my favorite quotes from him is,
"They want you to act a certain way, think a certain way, or say these things....it's all bullshit, man."
I can't remember the conversation that led up to the comment. He was either talking about school teachers or society (One in the same, if you ask me), but then he leaned back and proceeded to put on the first stand up comedy special I had seen of George Carlin. I fell in love with that old white man. He told the truth, and so did my Uncle.
He used to tell me stories. His father told stories, so I always assumed that's where he got it from. Uncle's were different though. He wasn't telling me about how he lived through historical events. No. He was telling me about how he got away with growing his own tobacco in his mother's garden and producing his own cigarettes, or getting away with a whole delivery truck load of beer with his friends. I believe they spent the weekend drinking it all. One room, floor to ceiling cases of beer, and a pathway to move through it all. It was the 1970's."
All of that is true, but it's amusing because while he was portraying himself as this person for me I was seeing something different. I noticed moments of hypocrisy.
As a kid I remember feeling anxious around him. He used to make me laugh and I always found myself playing around him, but I knew that when I got a stern side glance I needed to be quiet and sit still. Then he would lean down and whisper "self-control" or whatever it was I needed to work on in that particular moment. Keep in mind, I'm 4 or 5 years old. Like I know what self-control is at that age, right?
I loved being around and playing with my Aunt, his wife. She has always been the reason for showing up. She would let me talk to her and actually listen to what I said and respond even if she thought it was silly. I could tell what she was doing, but never cared because she cared enough to humor me as a child. Even as an adult she is easier to talk to and confide in than he is.
Everyone else just blew me off. The part that sucks the most is when younger cousins and/or new siblings come along and they get better treatment. Everyone is all in for them, but you? You don't find that until Soccer comes along in 5th grade. I was over it, and them, by then. I worked hard and excelled for myself. It has always bugged me; it was so obvious. That was the only time anyone ever cared. I had to be playing soccer. What team was I playing for? Which division had I advanced to? Would I continue into high school and college? Will she play professionally? All of this was building and at 14 or 15 I began to break. I had a literal break down my Freshman year of High School. I did a complete 180. I went from Honor roll and Honors classes to fighting to pass the year with a 70 in on-grade classes. In my household growing up that is like signing a death sentence. They blamed an interest in boys and had no clue I was seeing through their bullshit. I actually had a whole friend group of girls which I ended up growing apart from because of my breakdown.
The point is, nobody cared unless I was making the family look good. Once I began to struggle it was lock her away and throw away the key. Don't let her do anything she could enjoy. I was grounded to my room for most of high school, so naturally I wanted to break free. My behavior became worse according to them. I was uncontrollable. Uncontrollable, huh? So control and making the family look good. That is what is wanted from me. What exactly makes the family look good? Is it my happiness or the next Facebook post?
I grew up seeing my grandmother, Me-me, always picking her favorites out of my uncle and my mother. If my mom was letting her have control and making the family look good she was the favorite and my uncle had to endure a lot of mental abuse from her. Everything from he is gaining weight or his hair is too long to him being a disappointment for dropping out of medical school, being on drugs, getting banned from states, ect. The same was for my mom when he was "doing right." He would become the favorite and my mom would suffer the abuse for whatever cockamamie crap she came up with.
I don't think she had enough love within herself for more than one person. When I came along, I was led to believe, it got worse because she loved me more than them. That is how she made it seem. I personally feel she was petty and spiteful. She did not agree with her children's lives, and instead of loving and supporting them emotionally as adults, she pitted them against each other. They were constantly competing. I'm sure it was exhausting.
So now we have this man, my uncle, who can be a really cool guy. He is damaged both mentally and physically. The mental damage was done to him, but the physical? He did that to himself.
"I was trying to talk about the mentality and psychology of poverty. Your Mother never learned. I always listened to the advice of my Grandfather. People who know me will eventually say how lucky I am. How everything seems to go my way. There is no such thing as luck. If one prepares themselves to take advantage of and recognize opportunities as they become available, as they do for everyone in life, you will also be considered lucky." - Uncle
Really? Everyone gets opportunities in life? Yes, everyone is responsible for bettering themselves and going out and grabbing the reins of life, but to say that opportunities are just given to everyone is arrogant. It also shows that he came from wealth and opportunity and has no clue about poverty other than what he has read in a textbook from a college psychology course.
The best way to describe him really? Egotistical, arrogant, misogynistic, junky, conspiracy theorist, unknowing racist, and all round nut.
What makes me happy? My immediate family and friends, writing, movies, video games, and learning more about those things and people. I also enjoy time to myself, but there is plenty of life for that. He says cutting off family is foolish because it's all you've got. Well buddy, I don't care who you are in this life, if you're toxic you can get to steppin'.
"You never call to talk. You never ask for help. You're always busy." - Uncle's complaints
Every time I talk to him it feels like an interrogation. This doesn't make me want to shoot the shit with him. It also doesn't help that he is 60. What do we have to talk about?
Every time I ask for help with something it gets thrown in my face later or used to pressure me into doing something I don't want to do.
Yes, I stay busy because I learned that is what keeps me out of trouble. I'll be 38 soon. I'm too old for trouble.
He acts like he is a self made man when in reality skirts made him. The opportunities he had would have never been available to him had it not been for who his mother was. The house he currently resides in? I gave it to him! That's why he can live off of his disability and his wife's job without worrying about a house note.
Recently he gave me a 2004 Honda Civic with 198,000 miles on it that he couldn't sell to anyone because nobody in their right mind would buy it. It's falling apart on the inside, the A/C works but can't be used without overheating the engine, the sunroof leaked and had to be sealed, and the radio went out. I swear the car had never been cleaned or washed until I got it. Great gesture right? It would have been had he immediately come to that conclusion, but he tried to sell it first. He knew I needed a second car. He knew I was having issues because I didn't have two vehicles, and he knew I did not have the means to get one.
I gracefully accepted and took responsibility for the piece of shit car. I'm not about to complain about anything that is free. I drove 2 hours in traffic across town and back to make it happen even though I couldn't really afford the gas in my SUV. I dealt with his attitude towards my aunt and my husband while there. He speaks to her like she is gutter trash and treats my husband like he is an idiot. We made the most of it. We did what we had to do and left.
Something else I should mention is while I was going to night school at ITT Technical Institute he used to watch my oldest two children. At the time my adoptive father and his wife were babysitting them. When uncle found out, he offered to take over since he lived closer to me, and it was actually an economical solution to keep me from having to drive to a neighboring town every night. Although his reasoning was his dislike for my adoptive father. I had my reasons and he had his.
"After everything I've done for you."- Uncle
Those are the only two things I can think of, and even then...were you really doing it for me? One was because you didn't want my children around someone you didn't like. The other? Last resort.
I'm not sure what the thought process is for him, but the way it looks from my end regarding how he treats my husband is bad. He has his high school diploma. He went to a technical college like I did where he studied data entry. All his experience has been in the service industry, and we all know that can be a black hole. Similar to him I have an associates degree in computer drafting and design, but got stuck in the black hole of the retail industry. My husband happens to be black. This does not make him unintelligent or stupid, yet he is treated as such.
I had to correct my uncle once because he just assumed that my husband did not take care of the children. If anything, I'm the lazy ass. He does a lot himself. I delegate more. We have different parenting styles, but it works for us.
Somewhere around 20 years ago he held an intervention at his house where his father accused my now husband of being a bad influence on me. He said that my husband introduced me to drugs and alcohol. I just laughed in his face and walked away. I remember storming out of the house and leaving. My uncle introduced me to drugs. My adoptive father introduced me to liquor. My mother introduced me to cocktails. I didn't want to throw anyone under the bus at 17 years old because I cared for them. I should have said something then.
My husband and I both had great jobs at one point and all was good. Then we didn't. I was fired due to attendance after many personal family emergencies caused me to miss too much work. Then I went to work with my husband and the corporate office sold our store out from underneath us. We have 5 kids total and we rent, so as you can imagine we were busy job hunting while trying to make ends meet in the meantime.
I asked to borrow $10. I planned on paying it back later that day. My mistake. I got a backlash of lectures and guilt. Then he finally did it. He called my husband an uneducated n-word. I had enough. I'm not being nice anymore. This is my uncle. His name is Uncle-Bunkle-Boinky-Head
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