My Weird Relationship with Food - Lunch Break Thoughts

 I always have a drink beside me whether it's water, soda, juice, or sometimes beer. However, my body will not tell me if I'm hungry until I'm extremely hungry and then BAM! It hurts and aches. It was so bad in High School that I used to pass out from not eating because I was only able to eat at school. People always get on to me. Why didn't you eat? Well, because I didn't feel hungry until now! Why would I eat if I don't feel hungry? 

On the other end - Sometimes something random like a cheese stick, for example, will pop into my head. Then it's all I can think about. Do I have one? If not, where can I get one? Can I afford to buy one? Should I drive out just for a cheese stick? Must have cheese stick! Some will say what I am experiencing is called a craving, but it's more than that. I become hyper-focused and my body will physically react.

If I can't get ahold of whatever it is I become uninterested and turned off of other foods completely until said food is gotten or I get hungry enough to not care anymore. Which comes full circle to where this blog began. 

I've been called spoiled and a brat, but when it comes to this, that is not the case. Food will literally gross me out to where I feel nauseous. How can I eat feeling that way? When you're nauseous the last thing on your mind is food.

I used to deal with this by just going to sleep to avoid feeling like crap, but now I have started forcing myself to eat something. Even if it makes me sick to look at on a plate or in a bowl. I found that usually whatever it is ends up being tasty. Sometimes I can only take 2 or 3 bites and have to put it away, but that's OK because after about an hour or so I can come back to it and finish it or make myself something else to eat. 

I don't understand why I am this way, and for the longest time I was misunderstood by myself and others because I used to be made to feel like I was a problem child. However, as an adult, I realize that this is not something I can control.

What are your thoughts on this? What are some of your weird food habits?  

My adoptive father **Lots of Tea**

 Welcome to 2022! I totally forgot that I had a blogger. I made this post on Facebook last night, so I want to share it here. It's quite long for a Facebook post. Maybe this is the beginning of the return of my blog. Maybe I finally found something to actually blog about...

Ok, so get ready for the tea everybody! All I can do is laugh honestly. Let me start off by saying we all know that in high school I dated Chris Ford and Ricky Fields Jr.

Ricky asked permission from Chris to date me. Chris and I had our ups and downs and ISSUES. Chris and I dated again back in 2010, but ultimately decided to be friends. We are better as friends. We both missed Ricky and each other was the closest thing to him. Ricky lived in my closet at One Westfield Lake Apartments for seven months without Alice or Helen finding out. Alice would go out drinking with Helen and come home drunk all hours of the night. When Ricky graduated high school, Alice bought Ricky and I a 24 case of Sky Blue beers and a carton of cigarettes. She then left for the bar and told us to have fun. Ricky remembers me eating ant covered pizza because the food and drinks in the apartment were for Alice. I was not allowed to help myself. Ricky used to bring me Little Ceaser's and sneak me out at night for Whataburger. He used the money he made as the General Manager of Blockbuster. Ricky is Samantha's father. Ricky and I were engaged to be married. Ricky and I split up while I was pregnant with Samantha. Ricky wanted to join the military to support Samantha and I, but this was in 2003 and I didn't want him to die. Ricky and I had an argument and I left to seek council with Alice. Alice and Helen tried to get me to abort Samantha. I did not want Mike to have anything to do with me or my family. Ricky tried to convince me otherwise. Alice lied to Ricky Sr. saying that Allen wanted to kill Ricky. This has been confirmed by Allen. Alice also tried to get me to file a false police report against Ricky for abuse and stalking which I did not do. Ricky was sent away to Georgia by his father. His father was lied to by Ramos who told Ricky Sr. that the Latin Kings were after Ricky. Alice told me that if I didn't abort Samantha I couldn't live with her because she refused to raise her grandchild. I went looking for Chris and couldn't find him. In fact, I don't think I saw Chris again until after Samantha was born.

I was not honest with people and did not say anything about being raped by a man named Joe while I was 2 or 3 months pregnant with Samantha. I never told anyone that Roy was in the living room, and is the one who let Joe in the apartment where we were living. I felt nasty, and made a huge mistake. I took a shower. Roy told Ricky that I had just cheated on him, and had been cheating on him with every guy in the click. Keep in mind that Ricky and I had been looking at apartments because Roy wouldn't work. I had all the money and the lease was in Roy's name. I was paying all the bills and buying all the groceries. Roy would tell "the boys" when I would get paid and a months worth of food would be gone over a weekend. We wanted to leave and start our family. Circle back around to that lie Roy told Ricky and you can imagine how pissed Ricky was to hear it. We had an argument where both Ricky and I shoved each other and screamed at each other. I slipped and fell in the tub and hit my head on the wall. Ricky backed away and told me to get dressed and get out, so I did.

I was scared. Not of Ricky, but of what had just happened to me...again. This wasn't the first time I had been raped, molested, or harassed. In fact, all three have happened multiple times in my life, but it's not something you get used to. Ricky and I planned to have Samantha, and we had 3 miscarriages before Samantha. All we wanted was to be left alone, get married, and start a family that we could be proud of. But, no. This was unacceptable to my family.

This is where things get really fucking shady. Enter Clint and his family. I had met Clint only a handful of times and didn't know much about him other than he was Drew's brother. I was never friends with either of them, but Clint and Chris knew each other and they were friends. Clint's mother lived around the corner from the street Chris and I grew up on. I had been there once before, so when I couldn't find Chris I went there looking for refuge when Alice pulled her "abort or get out" card. From jump it was all about me and my well being and it felt great considering Alice. However, it was all a ploy for the inheritance money my dead grandmother had left me. Which, lets face it, I had a mental break when she died. So I was unstable x2 at this point anyway.

From here everything went down hill. Clint attacking his step father, moving into the attack at Benito's parents house to get away from Stephanie and her crazy antics and lies, amongst other things. My plan was to get my money for the year at 18 and get my own apartment and leave them all behind. That isn't what happened though. It was like I couldn't get away. Someone was always around...watching...reporting. Clint and Benito ended up following me to my 2 bedroom apartment in Cypresswood Court Apartments. What was supposed to be Samantha's nursery ended up being Benito's room. We had all dabbled in drugs here and there, but this is where shit got heavy. The ecstasy use was damn near daily and at one point I got back in touch with Mike and pawned Samantha off on him for 3 days after asking if he could baby sit for a night. I'm not proud of that, and it never happened again. I learned how to be a functional pill head and alcoholic. I always made sure the bills were paid, there was a roof over our head and food in the house, but I was not alright. In fact my views on everything were completely skewed. Without going into too much detail and incriminating myself, the drugs were bad and we were deep in it. Like federal prison for a very long time deep. Moving on...by this point I had tried to get away again by moving into my grandmother's old house off FM1960 in Ponderosa Forrest. The parties were frequent and the drugs and alcohol flowed. I became fed up because I never liked it and quite honestly didn't know most of the people in my own house. Things were coming up missing or broken. Everything was a mess and I tried to control things the best I could. Let's face the truth. I wasn't in control of jack shit. I was being controlled, manipulated, and extorted. I was further mentally abused and sexually abused in that relationship to the point where I began to believe that I was "a stupid cry baby pretending to be a mother who was really a whore and cared for nothing other than where the next orgasm was coming from even at the expense of my own children." Please remember that if your partner doesn't want to sleep with you and you do it anyway it's rape. This happened a lot. Then I found out I was pregnant with Draco.

Samantha's pregnancy was perfect. I quit smoking and everything. Clint was pissed when he found out I was pregnant. Not gonna lie I was too, but mostly because I did not want to have Clint's baby. I thought about abortion because of the circumstances in which I became pregnant, but my heart wouldn't let me go through with it. It's something I struggled with for years. I wanted to do the same thing with Draco that I did with Samantha. I always wanted a boy, and I'm glad I made the decision I did. I'm just not happy about who the sperm doner is. During the pregnancy Clint and I FINALLY split up. Another woman got her hooks in him and after years gave him a bit of what he deserved, but that's for another time. He would come around every so often and try to get me back, but it never worked. One of the first times (or it may have been the very first time) he tried to come back it was Valentine's Day 2005. We all know Draco was born at the end of March that year. He got a hotel room and lured me there under the rouse of getting some much needed relaxation time and quiet. Hey, maybe I could even get a bubble bath and some room service. So I took Samantha to a sitter for the night and met him at the hotel room. As soon as I entered nothing felt right. I was on guard and nervous. One of the first things he did was shove a triple stack ecstasy pill in my mouth and pour a glass of Crown Royal for me to wash it down with. This is how he always had his way with me. When I refused and tried to spit the pill out he put his hand over my mouth and then forced the Crown down my throat causing me to swallow the pill. I should have left, but unsure of how my body would react I sat on the bed and fell asleep. When I came to he was butt naked on the edge of the bed with a mound of cocaine on an ironing board like something out of the movie BLOW or Scarface and jerking off to porn. When he realized I was awake he offered me some cocaine and I turned him down. We then got into an argument while he periodically took bumps and I was slowly trying to get my purse and head for the door. Suddenly he hit the floor and began to OD in front of me and I had a moment of ease where I just looked at him and smiled. I wanted him to die. Fuck! Why did I save the life of that undeserving piece of shit? From then on though Clint eased up on me a threw his focus on to the next girl.

Fast forward to yesterday. We all know Mike Mize is an asshole. So in 2019 when I told him Ricky was coming to visit and he told me not to get back with him I didn't pay too much mind to it. Thanks for the idea by the way. Putting all these pieces together over the last three years has been exhausting for all of us. Samantha is 18 now and Ricky and I have told both children that when they turn 18 they can reach out to any adult and respectfully confront them as an adult. Samantha reached out to Mike who has been PawPaw to her since she was born even though he's really my adopted father and has no blood tie at all. He proceeded to tell Samantha that I was uncontrollable and Ricky had multiple women. He remembers Ricky because Ricky lived down the street. Wait...Chris lived down the street. Please for the love of God don't tell me that you think Ricky is Chris and Chris is Samantha's father. This whole time!? You've had them confused as the same person?! They look completely different! Ricky lived in Cypress Station not down the street! Then we lived together! So this whole time you didn't like Chris because of the issues we had while dating the first time and you think that is Samantha's father???? What???? Big Fella...stay where you're at and forget you even knew us. I am done with this shit. I don't need you. You are just the dick Alice rode so you would pay her way through college so she could become a senior accountant and make more money. Remember she bought you that boat as repayment? You got played buddy. Everyone is laughing at you. Karma's a bitch asshole.